Do’s and Don’ts When Talking To Someone With An Eating Disorder
Don’t say
You put on weight, you look great.
You look really healthy (often they equate health with weight).
I wish I had your self-control.
If you could just start eating, everything would be fine.
Why can’t you just eat?
Eat like I do and you’ll be fine.
You don’t look like you have an eating disorder or don’t look sick.
Say
I know this is difficult, but I am proud of you.
You are worth so much more than your eating disorder.
I might not understand, but if you need someone to talk to, I will help as much as I can.
I believe in you.
This must be so hard, how can I support you?
I’m sorry you’re struggling, I’m here for you.
Do
Have empathy – this illness is not a choice.
Let them know you are there for them.
Ask them how you can help.
Have patience – recovery is a process and it is not linear – realize that there will be ups and downs in the journey. Be prepared for this.
NEVER comment on their physical appearance, no matter what you think
Accept your limitations and realize that you may not be able to do everything for this child – setting boundaries and expectations is necessary.
Feel free to express your concerns honestly with the person
Talk about this person’s wonderful middos and characteristics that do not have to with their appearance.
Help the person feel empowered to make their decisions and be accountable for them.
Realize that this person may not be ready to get well just yet, that they feel safe in the control and rituals of the disorder
Let them know that you care and are interested in helping that person get well.
Express concern with I statements:
Instead of saying you are too thin, say I see you are getting thin and I am scared.
Do reinforce that you are proud of how they are doing, that this is a real battle/struggle and they are a warrior!
Don’t
Don’t come on too strong and demand change
Don’t make all conversations about the illness, talk about their health and mental state overall – Perhaps say they seem quiet or unhappy or not like themselves
Do not use bribes, rewards, or punishments to control their eating behavior
Don’t give up on this person – this may be a long term illness, but people do recover.
Don’t ignore the problem and hope that it will go away.
Don’t assume that there is not a problem just because you may not see any physical manifestations or symptoms.
Don’t force the person to eat or say, “can’t you just eat?”
Don’t walk on eggshells to make sure the person does not get upset.
Don’t lie or manipulate – be open and honest about your feelings and concerns.
Don’t expect that you will always know what to say and do, even if you are prepared.
Don’t allow this one child to dominate the classroom or for a family, family life and normalcy
Don’t give advice unless you are asked.
The most important thing you can do is show them how much they mean to you and how much you believe in them.
